im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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