Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
