There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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