I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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