I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
