I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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