physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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