I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
