She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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