today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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