FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
