Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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