does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
