he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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