No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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