It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
