she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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