But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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