So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my shit smells like andre
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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