There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
