I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
