if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
