Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
