I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He felt like a one man threesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
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