I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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