and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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