yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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