Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
