can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
