I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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