Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
