Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
