last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
