that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
