my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
