life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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