Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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