I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
