TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
