I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
