im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
