It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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