Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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