So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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