I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
