I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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