Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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