If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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