You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
