I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
