I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
