Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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