Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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