Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
