i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
